Last night, I had an argument with my grandmother. It all started when she started complaining about every thing she can come up with -- how I don't do work around the house after I get off work, how I didn't go into college (even though I'll eventually go to college after I get out of the air force), etc. Eventually, her complaining started to get annoying and I marched into the kitchen and I asked her "why don't you write a book about all your problems"?
I would say that I have anger problems, but which guy doesn't have anger problems? It's all about that testosterone, baby.
After I got off work, I was sitting in my room for about thirty minutes or so and she said that my grandfather is working in the backyard. Instead of helping him out, even though I should of, I went back to my work to talk to my boss about my doctor's appointment on the 17th and to check out my schedule. Well, my boss wasn't there, but I found out that I was "OFF" on the 17th and that I work tomorrow from 7 AM to 3 PM (which is the normal time). I came back and I started helping out my grandfather.
About halfway through helping out my grandfather pick up plants and such to put them in trashcans, I came across a bee that was just chillin on the concrete floor. I thought to myself that maybe the bee lost it's ability to fly. So what did I do? I poked it with a stick. It was still alive, but it wasn't moving around much. So what did I do? I got a bigger stick and crushed it's middle torso against the concrete floor. It then latched onto the stick and traveled towards my hand, but with my amazing reflexes, I shook the stick and it fell back down again.
This time, it didn't move. So what did I do? I stabbed it again, and had it's whole body stuck against the concrete floor. I then grabbed another stick and crushed his stinger. After I thought it was dead, it started charging at me, all weird shaped and in pain. So what did I do? I stabbed it again. This time, I pinned it to the ground, took another stick, and started squishing it's head. After a couple seconds of toying around, I removed the sticks and watched it shake. That thing amazingly was still alive, but it was in horrible condition.
Then my attitude changed.
Y' see, originally I was stabbing the bee to put it
IN misery, but now that I was watching it slowly die, I started stabbing it to quickly put him
OUT of misery. Why did my attitude change? Why was I making this bee suffer excrutiating pain when it already couldn't fly?
It's because the bee resembled pain -- not JUST physical pain, but mental pain. I took out all my anger towards this bee, when I simply could of left it alone. It would of lived another day, but it would of went back it's family and be like "yo, my wings broke but this kid let me LIVE yo...respect!"
Why did my intentions for killing the bee change over a short period of time?
I think this is where a lot of us can relate. The bee resembles us, the pain we went through or are going through, how we're trying to live, but we keep getting knocked down that stick and we hit rock bottom again. When I saw that bee in pain, I started thinking about all the pain I went through, how I never thought I'd live to be 18 years old because I was always comtemplating suicide or miserably failing at an attempt to commit suicide (I tried to commit suicide once by drowning myself...I stopped because I couldn't breathe).
Because of my experiences being in physical or mental pain, I've learned how to cry even when it wasn't necessary. For instance: When I was with my best friend in Texas, we went to Petsmart and there was a window where you could see the animals that were up for adoption. A kitten was close to the window, and it went on it's hind-legs and tried to touch it's paws with my hand. I secretly got teary-eyed because I wanted to take that kitten with me because I knew what it was like to outstretch my hands for someone to comfort me, to make me feel like everything was going to be okay, and getting nothing but emptiness. The kitten rubbed up against the glass, and for a minute...we made eye contact. It meowed, and I sympathesized with it. As David said "let's go", I said "I'm sorry" to the kitten, and as I walked away, the kitten took its paws off the glass.
Another time is when I moved in with my dad. Eventually, one of my mom's dogs got in bad enough condition where she had to be put to sleep. I walked out of that dog's life and she died. I wasn't there for her, and there's not a day in my life where I don't regret all the things that have happened.
But I believe that what doesn't kill us makes a stronger. "Experience is the father of wisdom". We go through tough times -- not because we deserve it, but to help us learn. To build our character. To teach us how to open our eyes and appreciate what we have rather than complaining about what we don't. To let us have something to talk about when the question is asked. To help us grow.
Back then, I thought I wasn't going to live to be 18 years old because I didn't think there was hope in my life. I thought I was just destined to die young. But I gave life a chance, I started looking through the eyes of the kitten and the bee, and I realized that I am capable of change. I am not in the worst condition, and there's always still hope.
Always.
Comments (14)
ah, i enjoyed your anecdotes in this entry.
your bit about the bee, and using that experience to compare with the human lifestyle, your life, it was brilliant.
and my heart ached for a moment as i was reading about the kitten.
you're a great writer and a brilliant story teller. i'm glad to have been able to read this entry.
it's a good thing you lived to tell this story :]
@elelkewljay@xanga - Yeah :P It truly is. Suicide is a no-no.
@lovesporks@xanga - Thanks :P Originally I didn't have anything to type about. Eventually I'm going to run out of ideas...
wow. deep.
I think what I really enjoy about your blog is the sincerity. There were so many other ways this story could've gone, but you articulated your point well. Bravo.
Wow, that was a very good read.
That actually reminds me of a time when I used to crush ants. That's when I was much younger though. I enjoyed crushing it when the end of a pencil, but when I started to get older, I realized I can't do it. I simply cannot cause such cruel pain to another living thing. I can't make anything suffer, just for my amusement.
oh man, this was really great.
i like the bees representing our struggles. in real life when a bee or bug comes at me i can almost never find the heart to kill it unless its literally attacking me. it just doesn't feel right.
omggg the kitten thing. have you ever seen that commerical for like animal adoption with some really sad song that's always on. it makes me cry everytime.
glad you're still with us! <3
The bee brings stinging pain and sweet joy. Sounds a lot like life to me. Brilliant.
I'm glad to see that you show emotion unlike most guys, it lets me know that you are human. It is always okay to show emotions.
Brandon, I'm glad to see your blog having so much success
this one was good too.
I know it's been said so many times so far, and will probably be said more, but that was a great way of telling your point. the sincerity of everything you said was just...incredible?. I don't know if that's quite the right word, but it comes close enough. roughly 6 months ago one of my best friends tried committing suicide...and by a miracle and my begging him he went to a hospital to have his stomach pumped and get everything taken care of so he can live. he has yet to tell people about what happened and open up about it. and so I carry around his burden too because he's not strong enough or whatever to open up about it. so I really respect you for telling about that part of your life. I know what it's like to be there, with no hope, but to also be looking from the outside, seeing someone falling like that.
I guess that was more than I needed to say but...I've been struggling with the memory of what happened 6 months ago lately and...this really helped in some way. so thanks? I guess
@KystWorld - That means a lot to me because I really do my best!
@LaughingMonkey89@xanga - I used a magnifying glass on a hot summer day to kill ants. Killing ants isn't a problem cause they're tiny little bugs. Amazing bugs though. They can lift like 14 times their body weight or whatever. I don't mind killing cockroaches though because they're disgusting and as far as I know...there's nothing good about them.
@naxotahnj@xanga - Yeah, I was kind of hoping it'd be a little bit deep. Make people think outside the box.
@kaitlyn_in_wonderland@xanga - You know, bees teach us a valuable lesson. Bees can only use their stinger on something once. After that, it dies. Even if you're the one with the stinger, you're always going to lose. It's best to just avoid the fight. :P
@TheSpaceBass@xanga - Sometimes, it's okay to let loose. I think that even the toughest guys cry. I don't really "cry", but I do get teary-eyed sometimes. No biggy. I wipe my eyes and it looks like nothing happened.
@GreekPhysique@xanga - Thanks man. Just seeing how long this success will last, ya know?
@lil_kay_tea@xanga - Suicide is a touchy subject. Not much people like talking about it. I "attempted" suicide 8 times, but I was never close to dieing because they were really pre-attempting suicide. I was in the PROCESS of attempting suicide, lol. I was a real dumbass.
Hopefully your friend is doing okay now. :)
Wow, dude. This is such an inspirational post. I hope you don't mind me (complete stranger) reading.
Congrats on bouncing back from your suicidal stage.
beautiful post although I can't help but feel terrible for that bee
funny thing though... i had an incident with a bee a year or so ago that still bothers me with regret at times... you inspired me
maybe i'll blog about it someday Lol
Touching. Been through the depression phase myself, and while I'm much, much better than I used to be, I'm still not completely out of it (still on leave from school). It's always affirming to hear from others who've been through the same, and who assure me there's hope.