Tuesday, 16 September 2008

• Expert Advice on Porn/Masturbation

  **** I would like to thank hopelessromantic for indirectly giving me the idea to talk about porn/masturbation because of her entry"
  
  "Okay, I'm going".
  
  What all does that statement mean? It could mean that the person is going to the bathroom, it could mean that the person is going to the store, or it could mean something entirely different. To me, sometimes it means I have the house all to myself, which means that I can do ANYTHING I want without having the fear of being caught.
  
  When I hear that statement coming from the only person left in the house besides myself, I get excited (for the most part). I love to be around people, but I also enjoy being alone because I'm a completely different person. I turn up the music, I start singing to music. Some of the music I sing to are songs that people don't think I listen to -- Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden, A Whole New World (Aladdin theme song), and Incomplete by Backstreet Boys. The regular songs that people do think I listen to include Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, Mama Said by Metallica, It's Been a While by Staind, etc.
  
  And then...the unthinkable happens. I find myself not listening to anything, and my mind begins to wander. I try to stop the sexual thoughts, but they keep multiplying in my head. My hands start being concentrated on a certain area, and then I find myself undoing my belt. At this point, I'm trying stop and move onto something else, but my mind keeps telling me "you've been stressed...why don't you relax". I give in. I can't resist any longer!
  
  Y' see, at this point, a lot of guys (and possibly girls) go directly into the masturbation. They take their pants off, they might get that sex toy prepared, find a good porn video to watch or just some kind of stimulation to help out, but not me.
  
  I've been masturbating since I was ten years old. I was engaging in sexual activities with a family member since I was six years old (it didn't a long time so don't worry). The surprising thing to say is that many people start young, or even YOUNGER than ten years old. Of my years of great masturbation, I was caught MANY MANY times by different family members (my sister being the main one). The one time I completely remember getting caught was when I was masturbating to porn at 4 in the morning and I fell asleep with porn opened, my pants down, my hand on my joystick. My mom was PISSED!
  
  Anyways, I've learned a lot. You remember when I said in my last entry that "experience is the father of wisdom"? Well, it does. Over the years, I graduated from watching 30-second clips, to 50-minute clips! Over the years, I developed a procedure that dramatically decreases my chances of getting caught, and I would like to share them with you:
  
  Step 1: Just like car procedures, you need to check your surroundings before entering the car. Is there someone in the house that I didn't think was? Are there any cars (except mine if you have a car) in the driveway? Is there anybody pulling up the driveway? Is there any evidence that will tell me an approximate time someone will be home? If you're absolutely sure you're home alone, then continue to step 2.
  
  Step 2: If you can, lock your door -- at least close it. I must warn you though, if your parents are used to you locking the door, that's fine. But if you lock the door and you never locked the door before, they might be kind of suspicious. Not only will someone have to open the door to see what you're doing, but the sound coming from your speakers may also be muffled (if you decide to watch porn with the volume on) and they might not be able to hear it. Now if you're a girl and you lie on your bed, your voice may be minimized and (maybe if you use one) the sex toy will be hard to hear (if it vibrates of course).
  
  Step 3: Step 3 varies between gender. For guys, all you really need a paper towel, some toilet paper, or whatever. For girls, could be NOTHING to a towel. It's better that you get ready NOW because if you just splooge yourself and someone walks in the house, you'll probably panic and rush to the bathroom. The point is that you want to make as little to no noise, and be as QUICK as possible.
  
  Step 4: Find something that could help you cover up in case of emergency. It's sick to say, but I keep my boxers down at my ankles so I can just pull them up when I need to. If you wanna go full out naked, be sure that you'll have a back-up plan. When someone enters the house, you may have little to no time (or you could have a lot). If you plan your back-up plan beforehand, you won't have to make quick decisions, and you'll quietly, quickly, and efficitely cover up. Also, if someone asks what you are doing, make sure you have something to say about that.
  
  Step 5: Find a good porn video. According to statistics , for every NORMAL website, there are 5 porn websites. It's really not that hard to find them. Step 5a: I will not tell you how you masturbate because only you can do that. So, begin. Step 5b. When masturbating, be prepared to take action if something goes wrong, but at the same time...ENJOY YOURSELF.
  
  Step 6: After you finish, do whatever it takes to clean up. That includes getting rid of the evidence of porn. On Firefox, it couldn't be much simplier: Tools, Clear Private Data, and be sure to check "Browing History", "Saved Cache Form and Search History", Cache, Cookies. That's the very basic stuff, but assuming that your family members are not computer geniuses, you won't have to worry about getting caught with porn. If you're stupid enough to actually download porn, I suggest you create a file that sounds boring. "Untitled" is just asking for someone to click on that, but if you do something like "DellTech.net" I don't know, then they won't want to check that out. Also, make sub-folders if your family members have a habit of clicking on everything quickly. Do NOT make it a hidden file. Hidden files are very easy to find. So, I suggest you stick to porn on the internet. You run the risk of getting a virus, but it's easier to access, and harder for people to find the evidence.
  
  With that being said, you should be fine with my advice. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things, so if you don't want to take my steps, you don't have to. But it's safe, and that's the most important thing.
  
  Here's some things to take into consideration:
  
  1. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have a sex picture/video on your computer, that doesn't mean it's safe. People can access your computer, and once they have that picture/video, they could post it all over the internet. Amateur porn videos get popular real quick. This includes MSN video chat, because there are programs that can record what's on the screen.
  
  2. Even though you may be in the mood, if you choose to cyber sex with someone, make sure you know enough about the person. I made the mistake of cybering with "two blond chicks" 4-5 years ago, and they were my sister and cousin.
  
  3. Sex toys are for anybody. Male or female. Just because you own one doesn't make you "pathetic", "desperate", a "whore", etc. Although it's best to keep it on the down-low and only tell people whom you trust because people will believe anything. Masturbation is also not "pathetic", "desperate", or it makes you a "whore". 80% of males have masturbated before the age of 18 (which I think is actually more than that), and 56% of women have masturbated before the age of 18.
  
  4. Masturbation is healthy for you, and it does make you happy. =P
  
  5. Anything that's done excessively is bad for you, but for the most part...a lot of scientists suggest that masturbation can prevent prostate cancer. There's really nothing bad about masturbation unless done excessively (the only problems you'll get are phsychological problems). For girls, I don't know if there's such thing as excessive.
  
  
  

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