For two years since I've had my last girlfriend, those years were what I considered a "break". I had too many girls on me at once, and they always ended up breaking my heart simply because I was "too shy" and "too nice". After that "break", I started coming into actualization that I was no longer being pursued by females, and I was just as heartbroken as I was when I actually HAD girlfriends. As time went on, I started asking myself questions, reading books, having conversations, and just ANYTHING that could've helped me get my love life back. Eventually, I found that I was classified as a "Nice Guy"² based on obvious observations that weren't so obvious back then.
After I found this discovery, I learned over the years that everyone has their own opinion when it comes to society's views on the typical "Nice guy/girl". Because of this, this very topic, thousands (and possibly millions) of people have been growing hatred towards their same/opposite sex because they simply don't understand why things are the way they are. Genders clash together by throwing insults left and right, pointing out eachother's flaws, and/or just anything that will help them get their points across.
I was fortunate enough to not be part of the battle. After I started coming into actualization that I was not getting the ladies, I spent most of my time researching solutions instead of complaining. After four years of research, I believe I have found...not "a" book, but "THE" book. It's called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover. Because you've probably never even read this book, let alone HEARD of it, I will discuss the important things that I have learned and understood that came directly from the book.
Because of experiments, Psychology tells us that our personalities are determined by our physical/mental environments and our genetics growing up as children. The most important years of parenting are the years when the child is still young because it is, for the most part, the only time when you can shape their personalities.
For the most part, I was raised by my mother. Although my mom was a good supportive mother, there is one thing that even the best mother can't teach her son -- how to be a man. Because of this, a lot of males grow up...basically being taught how to be a woman -- supportive, caring, emotional, trustworthy, etc. Basically, he grows up learning from his mother how to take care of people and the things around him, but he doesn't learn how to take care of himself as a man. He has no defense mechanism, he does all he can, and he believes that if he does "good" things for people, people will do good things for him.
The problem with all that is that he grows up doing "good" things for people EXPECTING to get "good" things in return, but when he doesn't get what he "deserves", ANYTHING could happen -- he could become violent, he could turn gay, he can turn into a "jerk", etc.
For the most part, "Nice Guys" believe that they are decent people. Being nice is a very good quality to have, but being a "Nice Guy" is actually WORSE than most (if not all) "Nice Guys" think they are:
- They are "manipulative"
- They are "controlling"
- They "give to get"
- They are "passive-aggressive" (meaning they "express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways")
- They are "full of rage"
- They are "addictive" (since they keep their feelings bottled up inside, it has to leave somehow, right? So they develop addictions, such as "sexual compulsiveness")
The list goes on.
Now I'm not trying to make "Nice Guys" feel bad because I'd be...kind of shooting myself in the foot, but what I'm saying is that women aren't attracted to that kind of stuff, which could be part of the reason why you're still single, which could be the reason why you have ineffective relationships, etc.
This brings us to the fundamental question "why do women date assholes?" The reason why women date "assholes" isn't because they're attracted to mental/physical pain, it's because "assholes" possess qualities that are closest to a man:
- He "has a strong sense of self"
- "takes responsibility for getting his own needs met"
- "is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality"
- "has" a sense of "integrity"
- "is a leader"
- "is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings"
and the list goes on again.
What I'm saying is that women date men for a specific purpose, that they have qualities of a man. If you're a "Nice Guy" out there and your life is like Bill Murray's life in the movie Groundhog Day, you need to do something completely different instead of doing the same thing everyday. Because of this, you will produce different results. That's why I highly recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover.
Now...I'm not saying that you need to become an "asshole"/"jerk", what I'm saying is that becoming a man is the line that divides "jerk" and "Nice Guy". Once you start taking steps to become a man, or better yet...a DIFFERENT yet more effective man, you will come to the actualization that you could of finished first¹ a long time ago.
Women, you should read the book also because there's not a whole lot of differences. You also need to be comfortable with yourself, confident, etc. After all, most guys actually like girls who play hard to get.
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¹ There's a common saying that "nice guys finish last"
² Almost all the quotes in this entry are direct quotes from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover
Comments (16)
They turn gay!?! oh.mah.goodness!!!
Best worst non nice guy ever. TUCKER MAX. Assholes Finish First. His book comes out in the spring. I can't wait. Excuse my shameless plugging.
@Moktral@xanga - You can't wait till a book comes out? Gaaaahhhh DAYUM. That's some intense stuff right there! But thanks for the info! I shall get that book when it comes out because I like different perspectives on things...ya dig?
A post on "how not to get friend-zoned" has been brewing in my head. It will definitely correlate to the whole "nice guy" theory. I will tag you once I get the post up. (:
@SomeRandomDude - Yup. As a jerk myself, I have a natural affinity towards other jerks. He does have some endearing qualities though: extremely intelligent, hilarious, incredible story telling abilities..crap like that. It was supposed to come out this fall, but somebody is a greedy Gus and is releasing it to coincide with the movie version of his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Now that I think about it, Assholes Finish First might just be another book that chronicles his misadventures. *shrugs*
Hmm...I kind of dig the negatives to the nice guy, but...I'm weird like that. Actually...come to think of it, so long as he doesn't act overly nice, I'm fine with it, but the negatives totally don't phase me.
@La_dolce_vida@xanga - That'd be awesome. I'd really appreciate it. That'd be a good idea though...kill two birds with one stone.
@Moktral@xanga - You never know...
@possums_rock@xanga - That's the thing about being a man. You're nice, but you aren't overly nice. Overly nice is part of "Nice Guy's" personalities. They're nice, not exactly because they don't want to hurt you, they're nice because they don't want to hurt themselves.
Nice guys, hm. I've always been single, because I was a "nice-guy." That's not the bad part, I just didn't stand out. So, I went through a few changes. Long story short, all you need is the confidence. Most people have the other qualities; intelligence, good sense of humor, chivalry (sometimes, haha).
I'm still a good person, of course. But I have that extra spark which some women find extremely attractive. It's helped. I too went through a few heartbreaks, haha.Because of those, I was able to push myself to become a better person.Its also helped me with school and opening up to new people.
I think I've only dated nice-guys. >.> But don't change just because of this book!<3
good to see you hit another solid topic my friend.I agree with your viewpoint although i word it kinda different.
I personally was the nice guy who became the asshole and enjoyed and hated both ends of the spectrum. (before becoming myself)
Although you clearly know the pros and cons of both sides of the stick, what i personally found and what i advise people to do , is to be themselves, be willing to communicate their feelings, and enjoy being themselves.
Because of that girls like NICE guys, they do not like SHY guys.
Shy guys don't communicate and dont seem like their enjoying themselves, nice guys can make a fool of themselves but not really worry about it.
They need someone who will catch their attention, guys who are Confident, when they find that this guy who is confident, is an assehole they will eventually end it.
A woman(not a girl) will always choose the good guy who communicates and is confident and treats her well, over the guy who is an assehole but slightly more attractive.
For all nice guys, out there like me,
have a little bit of confidence, in yourself, because what the world needs is true,honest self respecting men, not little boys or jerks.
so nice guys have faith, dress a little snazzier, but enjoy yourself and don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself.
I found that once i was happy with myself, it made all the difference. I had toiled with this for so long, and had been hurt SO many times and had hurt a few people., its not worth it changing yourself going after immature girls.
p.s to my fellow men, there are plenty of shallow girls out there, but keep your head up, because there are good girls out there, just need a little patience.
Ha ha ha. I politely disagree with you--I think you're generalizing too much that "nice guys" are "manipulative, passive-aggressive, etc." But I do agree with you on the fact that a lot of nice guys tend to have low self-esteem, and that's a key element in any relationship, because how will one be able to love another person if he/she doesn't even love himself/herself? I find (especially among my gal pals) that women date jerks because they're fun, confident, a challenge, usually quite charming, and sometimes it's even all about sex. But if you're looking for genuine love and affection, it's the nice guy! Or at least, that's the way I see it.
You're a nice guy--I say just be yourself and someone who appreciates you for who you are will come along. But again, that's just me :)
very interesting post.
something that popped into my head while reading this... could it also work the exact opposite way? Do women who are primarily raised by their fathers obtain the female equivalent of 'man' qualities??
something to ponder.
@LaughingMonkey89@xanga - Yes, confidence is a very big thing (for some reason I said thong instead of "thing" lol). If it's not the MOST important thing, it's ONE of the most important things.
@TheSpaceBass@xanga - There's not much about me that really needs to be changed. The only problem I really have is that I offer too much help to women and subconsciously want some affection in return. I also have somewhat of a problem letting women know my intentions...but I'm trying really hard. There's this pharmacist at my work, good lookin' and she called me "babe"...which doesn't really mean anything but I had to get something from her and when I gave it back to her she started talking when I said "thanks beautiful"...so it sounded more like "thanks blluuhala". I was gonna call her "babe", but I don't think it's right to take other people's names. Any suggestions on what I should call her?
I'm not really saying that I want people to change. An army base is still an army base if people build a wall around it, you know what I'm saying? I'm just saying stuff like be stronger, andbe more confident because even if you don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend anytime soon, you'll have to strength to keep yourself moving.
@spunky88@xanga - Yup. Being comfortable with who you are is accepting who you are. Contorting yourself to make you believe that you're being accepted by society isn't the right way to go. Thanks for sharing your story. It's no fun getting hurt ALL THE TIME, but eventually you'll decide to fight back, and it'll feel good.
@the_bonsai_tree@xanga - Thanks for politely disagreeing. Oh, I will always be myself! I love my personality. I just need to grow some balls. That won't change me a bit except I'll have more confidence and the ability to approach women. I think most of us have the fear of rejection, so I'm just trying to battle that so I can let my intentions be known to the women that I like.
@AbiLeigh@xanga - If you're raised by your dad, absolutely. You'll still have character traits from you mom, but if your dad raises you and he teaches you stuff, it's possible that you'll use those teachings out of habit later on in life. If I remember correctly for Psychology, when you're little, your brain accepts all incoming messages. As you grow older, it'll start filtering stuff out that you're not used to. I'm not 100% sure on that though.
@SomeRandomDude - I think you should call her by name and then wink. (;
Yeah, I understand what you're saying when you "build a wall." But be careful not to make the wall impenetrable!
the real nice guys don't have to call themselves nice, because they're too nice to say so...
i never consider books as a basis or reference to my questions about life and my behavior.
what ever happened to your relationship better learn from them and try accepting what you really are and the flaws that you think you have, we all have flaws right? accept.. yourself as you are,,,,
maybe just maybe you hit it with the wrong girl...
heads up.. the worlds not gonna end if you are nice..
I love checking your blog occasionally. =) it makes good reading. =)
I think i would like to make a point on this issue...The girls opinion on why girls date asshole.
So heres my answer....we're jst like guys. =) At some point in our immaturity we're just out for a luagh. Trust...we know the guy is an asshole. But hes fit...and he acts fit. As u sed...hes the "manly" guy...and for the sake of a laugh...its all good. :)
Most of u grow out of this stage before hitting our 20s however.... So its a phase. lols. ;)
Hope tht goes some way to finding the answer to the unanswerable.
=)
Luv luv.
xXx